


in these sour times

by tutorgirl



Series: sons of neptune [1]
Category: 5 Seconds of Summer (Band)
Genre: Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Gratuitous Smut, M/M
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2021-03-08
Updated: 2021-03-08
Packaged: 2021-03-14 10:20:54
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 6,864
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29915430
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/tutorgirl/pseuds/tutorgirl
Summary: meet SONS OF NEPTUNE a new rock band out of australia. after the success of their first album, the record company put them up at a condo in los angeles where they are supposed to write their next album over a 3 month period. except tensions can only get higher between them when there’s nowhere to hide. after a drunken night with his bandmate and best friend tristan, lead singer ollie pierce tries to pretend it never happened. but how long can he keep up that act?starring: oliver pierce (luke hemmings), tristan harrison (michael clifford), cooper lee (ashton irwin), peter murphy (calum hood)
Relationships: Michael Clifford/Luke Hemmings
Series: sons of neptune [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/2199831





	in these sour times

**Author's Note:**

> all mistakes are mine, sorry if i missed any! i hope they hurt your heart in the best way 💖

[text messages]

T: are you coming home tonight? 

O: why are you so obsessed with me? 

T: sorry for caring about our like over a decade long friendship when youre being an ass and avoiding me. 

O: i’m not avoiding you. 

T: you are though! pete said you came over the other day to pick up some clothes while i wasn’t home. 

O: i needed fucking clothes. that doesn’t mean anything. you’re so in love with me and you need to stop. 

T: you’re being such a fucking dick. 

O: good. maybe you’ll take a hint and back the fuck off. 

T: wow ok. i’ll ask one of the other guys to switch rooms with me. 

O: wait why? what? 

T: because you clearly don’t want to be around me. i make you feel uncomfortable and shit so. 

O: don’t go 

T: then stop being a dick to me. 

O: i’ll come home. don’t go anywhere. 

T: am i forcing you? 

O: i know i’ve been a dick and i’m sorry 

T: yeah? thank you 

O: how am i supposed to feel knowing we’ve been together like that? 

T: i guess we can’t really know until we’re alone together… 

O: i don’t want you. 

T: i dont necessarily mean it just like that. like we’re also best friends and bandmates. i suppose we have to see if we can still be friends and bandmates or we have to take out the former out of the equation i guess. idk what you want. 

O: i can’t lose you too 

T: well judging by the way you’re talking to me, you don’t really care about whether you lose me or not. 

O: that’s not true. i love you. 

T: then stop treating me like shit. 

O: i’m coming home aren’t i? i’m trying tris 

T: ok 

O: you’re not being fair. 

T: what else is there to say? you’re coming home. i’ll see you when you’re home.

—–

Burying himself in every woman he could find was Ollie’s idea of stopping his feelings for Tristan. He’d barely been home since the night they had sex. He’d seen Tristan in the studio, but he’d been writing heavily with Pete. He was afraid that Coop knew how to read him too well, and he didn’t dare let himself get vulnerable with Tristan again. He was clearly avoiding him, and Tristan had finally called him on his shit. Ollie was terrified to lose his best friend, though. He couldn’t imagine his life without Tristan in it or being close. He just didn’t know how to explain the way in which he wanted Tristan. He’d sort of gotten confirmation in texts that maybe Tristan had feelings for him too, which excited and terrified him in equal measure. 

They were heading to bed, which meant it was the first time that Ollie would truly be alone with Tristan. He’d successfully avoided talking about that night or any indication whatsoever that he was into guys. That was the bigger issue that Ollie hadn’t wanted to come out. He knew there was nothing wrong with it, yet he thought about how he’d grown up. It didn’t matter that his father was accepting now. He had those ideas drilled into him, and he was afraid to entertain even the possibility that he liked men. He knew it was true every time he was with a woman and he didn’t get the pleasure out of it he should, but Ollie shut those feelings down as soon as he had them. 

Ollie found himself distracted when he walked in and saw Tristan. He closed the door behind them although it was unnecessary. Tristan’s shirt came off when he started getting ready for bed and Ollie still lingered by the doorway. Fuck his heart was racing. He didn’t want to be alone with Tristan because he didn’t trust himself. He thought about the other man’s skin against his, the way Tristan sometimes sucked on his lip as they kissed, and heat took over his body. He was staring and it was probably obvious. Ollie had been caught. His heartbeat started over in double time and he scrambled to his side of the room. 

He’d easily been staring, and Ollie didn’t know how he could lie. He was only making it more confusing for the two of them, but Ollie couldn’t help himself around Tristan. That night was going to haunt him. He couldn’t get the memory of it out of his head, and when he looked at Tristan, he saw him naked and in passion. He remembered the feeling of Tristan’s back pressed against his chest, and he felt a twitch in his pants. He couldn’t just slip out of his jeans now without it being obvious that he’d gotten half hard checking Tristan out. Instead, he removed his shirt first.

“I washed your sheets and changed them.” Tristan told him for the sake of finding something to say to end this incredible tension between them. “I was cleaning mine and I figured it had been a while since you did yours, so…” He nodded slowly, awkwardly as he licked his lip. 

The silence was his only saving grace and Tristan even broke that. Ollie remembered that he hadn’t changed his sheets since that night. It was simple, domestic, and it shouldn’t have brought his head back to that night. Everything was reminding him of being intimate with Tristan. 

“Thanks,” he told him shortly because he didn’t trust himself to say more. 

He wrung his shirt in his hands before finally dropping it on his bed. He rounded on his heel and made his way for Tristan. He didn’t say a fucking word and he didn’t have a clue what he was doing. His hands were on Tristan’s hips forcing him back into the wall next to his bed, and then his mouth was on Tristan’s swallowing down any cries of shock. He slipped his tongue in Tristan’s mouth and lifted his hands to cradle his face with surprising gentleness. 

Ollie was ignoring everything else that could potentially go wrong. He’d told Tristan many things, including that their night together meant nothing. He couldn’t deny it meant everything to him. What they shared was everything Ollie always wanted. He may not have known what he was feeling when he first started falling in love with Tristan, but he realized the intensity of it now. He was so fucking in love with his best friend, and he wanted everything that Tristan could give him. He was kissing him back, which was some kind of fucking miracle. Ollie hadn’t pushed him away despite how badly he had treated him lately. He was welcoming this, even pulling him closer by his waist. He felt Tristan’s arousal against his leg, which caused him to moan against the other man’s mouth.

The fact that Tristan was attracted to him, and he had this tangible proof that Tristan wanted him too… it was too much for Ollie to take. He reached down and began to touch him over his boxers. It was such thin fabric and so easy to feel his hardness. Ollie stroked him lovingly, getting him fully hard. His hand eventually slipped inside his boxers, and he let out a soft gasp against Tristan’s mouth at the feeling of his length.

“Fuck me,” he begged. It caught him by surprise. He never thought he’d do anything but top, but he suddenly needed this with a fierce desire. He wanted Tristan to take control and show Ollie how he felt. “Please,” his voice cracked.

Tristan licked his lips and tried to swallow. “What? Are you sure?” Obviously, Tristan didn’t want him to change his mind, but it felt wrong of him to just do it without asking. “I mean, yes. I want to but I just… want to make sure?” he struggled to say.

Ollie felt weak. He needed Tristan so badly. He couldn’t handle being questioned because he didn’t know how to explain himself. His heart was racing, and he was paralyzed with fear. If he were rejected after being this vulnerable, he didn’t think he’d be able to open up again. He was terrified that Tristan didn’t want him the same way anymore. He felt his arousal, and yet Ollie still wondered if Tristan was somehow going to pull away.

“Yes,” he panted, his voice a low whine. He withdrew his hand from Tristan’s boxers and started unzipping his jeans. He shoved them down off his hips, leaving him in his own boxers with a small tent forming. “Please, Tris,” Ollie begged him again. He clutched at Tristan’s shirt, his hand forming a fist. “I need you,” he pleaded, resting his forehead against Tristan’s and shutting his eyes. He tilted his chin forward and kissed him, softly but intimately.

Ollie desperately needed to surrender control. He wasn’t sure of himself or his feelings anymore, and he needed Tristan to show him what to do. The feeling of being wanted by itself was overwhelming. Ollie knew he could get women easily, but having Tristan respond to his advances was so much more. Surely Tristan had to feel how much more powerful it was to be intimate with him, because of their history and their bond. Ollie couldn’t possibly be imagining this.

The moment his jeans were off, Tris pulled him directly against his hips. His hands went to his ass and squeezed. Ollie moaned and then bit his lip to try to disguise it. He didn’t want Coop and Pete to know what was going on. He could barely admit it to himself, let alone his best friends and bandmates. Tristan started walking them back to the bed, and his heart was beating in his throat. This was real. This was happening. There was a little terror of the unknown, but he adored seeing Tristan take control. Ollie wanted to submit to him in every way he possibly could.

He scooted back on the bed when Tristan pushed him down on it. He watched the other man push his boxers down, licking his lips. His stomach had just dropped out, leaving him feeling like he was falling, and he didn’t want to stop. Tristan joined him on the bed, lowering down on top of him, and he welcomed the feeling. He was more built than Tristan was, but the other man still had muscles. He ran his hands up Tris’ back and leaned up to kiss him.

Tristan kissed him hard and passionately as he got comfortable between Ollie’s legs. He was rocking his hips down against his as they continued kissing. He couldn’t stop himself. It was suddenly that he realized Ollie had admitted that the last time they’d been together, it had been his first time with a man. Ollie had been the one on top then, so this was completely unknown for him.

"You’ve never done this before, have you?“ Tris asked softly and slowed down the kisses. He nudged his nose gently.

Ollie was trying not to focus on his feelings so much as the desire he felt. If he could keep this physical, perhaps he could deny how complicated the situation really was. He loved Tristan with his whole fucking heart, but that had the potential to ruin the band and their friendship. Ollie was pretty sure he’d never loved anyone in his life as much as he loved Tristan, and that scared the shit out of him. His dad had never known the right way to show love, and he’d never supported Ollie’s passion for music growing up. He wasn’t encouraged to express himself or his feelings, so it’s no wonder that his urge was to suppress everything he felt.

It was hard to ignore how deeply he loved Tristan when the other man slowed their kisses. The passion was something he could return easily, rocking his hips up to meet Tristan’s. However, this moment of softness, was nearly more than his heart could take. He didn’t want to admit to weakness, either. He didn’t know what he was doing, and he was usually the one in control during sex. Being vulnerable was hard, and Tristan is the only one who could ever see him like this.

“No,” he whispered back in a shaky voice. “But I want you.” He sucked at his bottom lip and then kissed him again, starting slow and then deepening it. “Take me, make me yours,” he begged.

After kissing for a little while, Tristan started reaching for his night table drawer without stopping what he was doing. He grabbed a condom and then had to look up to find the bottle of lube. When he found it, he just dropped it on the bed and stopped a moment to breathe. He put a bit of distance between their faces so he could look at him.

“I can’t believe this is really happening,” Tristan said smiled softly.

Everything became real when Tristan grabbed a condom. Fear gripped Ollie’s heart. He didn’t know what this was going to feel like. Surely it would be uncomfortable and hurt, at least at the beginning. He thought of the potential for pleasure, though, and it made him shiver to think about Tristan’s cock inside him. He wanted this, no matter how nervous he was. Perhaps he could be honest with Tristan. He was already being so fucking vulnerable. It didn’t hurt to admit he was scared. The kissing helped, and he clung to that for as long as he could. It was only when Tristan finally pulled away that Ollie felt the full weight of his nerves. 

“I’m scared, Tris,” he admitted. He was terrified of what this would mean for them. He was sober this time, and he wouldn’t be able to deny this happened. It was already hard enough to play off the first time and everything he’d admitted to Tristan. He was sure that Tristan could feel how fast his heart was beating whenever he ran his hand down Ollie’s chest.

“We’ll figure it out together, okay?” he said against his lips, his hand stilling on the inside of Ollie’s leg. “One moment at a time, I promise it’ll be okay.”

He was taking it very slowly, but the feeling of Tristan’s hand on his inner thigh made Ollie’s cock twitch hard. It stiffened further and betrayed how aroused Tristan really made him. “I want you so much,” he breathed heavily and kissed the other man. 

The last thing he wanted was for Tris to stop. It made him nervous how desperate he was for this, to be with Tristan this way. They’d be connected in a way they never had before. Ollie wasn’t so vulnerable when he was on top. He didn’t have to extend the kind of trust he was giving Tristan now. Tris’ hand remained still on his leg, and it was almost a comfort to have him so close without Tristan actually touching him in any sexual way. It gave him a second to adjust to the moment and the way it felt. He realized that he was asking quite a bit from Tristan too. He would be Ollie’s first, and there was a weight of responsibility that came with that.

“Be gentle with me,” Ollie begged quietly. That’s all he wanted. He had to admit that he’d been a little rough last time they had sex, but he knew that Tristan could take it. Tonight was quite different, and it was dangerously close to making love which is something Ollie didn’t even want to begin to entertain thinking about.

Tris nodded eagerly. “I’ll be gentle,” he promised and kissed him one more time before sitting up on his knees. He grabbed the bottle of lube and squirted some all over them. He wanted this experience to be as pleasurable for Ollie as he could. 

His heart started racing when Tristan got out the lube. This is real, this is real, this is real. He sucked in a breath, but he didn’t do anything to pull away. He needed Tristan back now, and thankfully the other man lowered himself back down.

Last time, Tristan had helped guide him through the motions but Ollie knew what he was doing. He was completely clueless now as to how this would feel both emotionally and physically. Submitting himself to someone didn’t come easily to Ollie. He wasn’t raised to feel like this, and he was incredibly dominant with women. They always got a rush out of the way he presented himself with a touch of femininity but he was so in control in the bedroom. His weakness showed when it came to Tristan.

His eyes fluttered upon the touch of Tristan’s lips on his jaw and neck. At the same time, he was met with the sensation of Tristan’s finger touching his entrance. He bucked his hips against Tristan’s finger, getting a peculiar rush of pleasure from this.

Tristan kissed his neck and started sucking on it briefly as he continued touching around his entrance. While he continued kissing and sucking his neck, he teased his finger a little bit inside him. Tristan moved his lips back to Ollie’s when he slowly pushed a finger inside him. 

Ollie definitely sucked in a breath whenever Tristan pressed his finger inside him. He was tensing, expecting pain, when he got more pleasure than he expected out of it. He didn’t think he was quite so sensitive there, but he apparently didn’t know his own body as well as he thought he did. He was figuring this out along with Tristan, which was really heavy and intimate to share. If he was honest, Ollie knew this was a huge fucking deal. He was trying to downplay it as only sex, but what he was asking for from Tristan required a strong bond. He wanted to believe it meant Tristan loved him so badly, but he was living in a fantasy world thinking his friend returned his feelings.

If anything, having him return the physical desire was enough. That’s what Ollie would tell himself. Just being together like this could satisfy him without having his love returned. It didn’t hurt so badly that way. He was thankful for Tristan’s lips against his again. It helped calm him down, even more so than his lips on his neck.

“Relax…” he whispered into the kiss when he felt how tense his friend was. “Everything’s okay,” he promised him quietly. 

A wave washed over him and he relaxed. The finger inside him didn’t feel quite so uncomfortable. Ollie shifted his hips, rocking himself on Tristan’s finger. He let out an unexpected soft moan.

"That’s it.” Tristan smiled against Ollie’s smile. He wanted him to relax even more and trust him completely because he knew what he was doing. 

Feeling Tris’ smile and hearing his praise sent joy soaring through Ollie. He wanted to make him happy so desperately. He’d really been terrified of losing him. He was pushing him away to avoid finding himself in exactly this position, but the second that Tristan actually snapped, Ollie crumbled. He wasn’t strong enough without Tristan by his side. They’d been through everything together, and the only reason they were here is because Tristan had taken him in when his father threatened to take music away from him. No one got the darker, raw sides of him like Tristan did. He could trust him for more reasons than his sexual experience. 

Tris didn’t stop kissing Ollie but instead, he kissed more deeply when he pushed a second finger inside him. He didn’t go too far because he wanted to start with it feeling good, finding a steady movement and slow speed.

Ollie gasped at the feeling of a second finger entering him and then he pressed his lips more firmly against Tristan’s. He had no choice but to lose himself in the kiss while Tris found a rhythm for his fingers. It was starting to turn into something really pleasurable. He felt like he was always on the verge of pulling away in fear, but nothing ever quite pushed him to that point. He was slowly getting more comfortable instead of freaking out. Ollie let out another moan against Tristan’s mouth and he rolled his hips in rhythm with Tristan’s fingers to increase the pleasure. He wanted more. He wanted it faster.

“I want you,” he whined, “I want you to fill me up. Fuck, please Tris…” The slowness was starting to become agony because all he craved was Tristan’s length buried in him. 

Maybe he wasn’t as ready physically was he could’ve been, but Ollie hardly cared. He was ready for Tristan. He wanted to be connected to him like that, and he couldn’t get that kind of pleasure from his fingers alone. Sure, it terrified him to a certain degree but he knew that he could trust Tris. Everything he’d done so far had been slowly and gently. He was making sure that Ollie could take it before pushing him further, and this time they were doing this face to face. He’d had Tristan’s back pressed against his chest last time, and it was bringing a newfound intimacy to the act. It scared Ollie to feel how close they were, knowing this would never be able to last beyond this one stolen moment. He’d have consequences to deal with later, and he hated himself for it but he didn’t hate it enough to stop. No, he needed Tristan more than he needed anything.

“Okay,” Tris agreed breathlessly and got back up on his knees. This time, it was only to grab the condom and rip it open. Before he put it on, he lowered back and stole a kiss. He stroked his arousal to harden it just a bit more before rolling the rubber on. Only then did he let his length tease Ollie’s lubed entrance as he kissed him softly. “If ever you want to stop at any point, tell me,” he told him seriously.

“Okay,” he replied, knowing this kind of communication was important considering what they were about to do. “I trust you, baby,” Ollie whispered and moved his hand to cup Tristan’s face. He was being so soft, so tender. He kissed him gently and bucked his hips a little to let him know he was eager and ready.

He meant it when he said he trusted Tristan. Ollie didn’t trust anyone in his life the way he trusted Tris. He didn’t know their trust could possibly extend this far, but here they were. In a way, he was desperate to make Tristan want to stay. In the end, wasn’t that the reason for submitting to him? Ollie was looking to give Tris a reason to stay with him. Even if they could never be together the way that Ollie dreamed, at least he could still have his best friend. He also longed to be dominated just a little bit, to have everything taken out of his hands so he could simply surrender.

Finally, Tristan pressed himself inside his entrance and Ollie sucked in a breath. He hadn’t expected it to stretch him quite this far and, even with lube, it stung at first. He felt so fucking full and he didn’t know what to make of the sensation. He was just starting to adjust to it whenever Tristan moved his hips. Ollie clutched at the back of his neck and his hand tangled in Tris’ long hair, tugging on it. He gasped as Tristan pressed deeper inside him. He didn’t know someone could reach this part of him, and he was simultaneously uncomfortable and in pleasure. He didn’t know which he was meant to latch onto, but the latter was just so fucking tempting. His eyes rolled back and he whined, then bit down on his lip to silence it. 

Tris moved his hands under Ollie’s ass and lifted it up just a little bit so that he could get a better angle. He didn’t move his face, not wanting to burst the bubble that they were in. Tristan started stroking his hardened dick while he pressed messy kisses on his lips.

Now this was an overwhelming sensation. Suddenly pleasure was coming from everywhere at once and Ollie didn’t know it was even possible to feel this way. When Tristan lifted his ass, it really turned him on. He wasn’t shy about getting closer to him and wanting more from him. Despite his own personal reasons for doing this, he also wanted Tris to enjoy it. He desperately wanted to be good for the other man despite his inexperience. He breathlessly returned each of Tristan’s kisses, letting out small, soft moans against his lips. He couldn’t really let himself go and his chest felt tight from holding back the sounds that he wanted to make.

Every now and then it stung, but pleasure was slowly starting to build inside him. It was starting to feel the way he was sure it was supposed to. The sensation was really inexplicable, having Tris bury himself inside his hole and then pull back and do it all over again. It felt wrong in one sense, but in another it was the most perfect thing he’d ever experienced. It made Ollie’s head spin and all he wanted was more.

“God, yes,” he whimpered and reached between them to help Tristan stroke him the way he liked. “How do you feel?” he breathed. “Is this-” he gulped, “good for you?” He was so fucking worried about Tristan hating this.

“So fucking good,” Tristan admitted hotly and without shame.

Ollie’s kisses were a little desperate and messy as he tried to help stroke himself at the same time. Pleasure was beginning to take over his body. He knew that he was probably experiencing vastly different emotions than Tristan was right now. The other man had no idea what this really meant to Ollie. To be together like this, he felt complete for once in his fucking life. Even more so than when he’d been the one on top, though of course the feeling of pumping inside Tristan was unparalleled. No girl had ever made him feel the way that he felt when he was with Tris. He knew that he didn’t want women, especially when it was the image of Tristan naked that usually got him hard. The other man is who he saw when he was burying himself inside every woman who said yes. He tried to forget, but he just couldn’t.

“Don’t stop stroking yourself,” he said breathlessly now that he moved his hand to the other side of Ollie’s head. He needed to balance himself because he was going deeper and deeper, searching for a sweet spot as he did. 

Being together finally felt fucking right, and it would only last for a few moments. Ollie didn’t want to let go of this yet. He throbbed with arousal when Tristan demanded he keep stroking himself. He started moving his hand a little faster, knowing what he needed, while Tris slipped deeper inside him. Ollie pressed his head against the pillow and bit his lip hard to keep from moaning outright.

“Fuck!” he finally exclaimed, louder than he probably should’ve. Tristan had hit some part of him deep inside, and it sent a burst of pleasure shooting through him. Tears formed in his eyes and pleasure began to build so fucking fast as Tristan kept stimulating the same spot over and over. Combined with the feeling of his hand on his dick, Ollie was losing his goddamn mind. “I’m gonna,” he warned, his voice breathless and drenched in pleasure.

“Yes. Please. Do it,” he begged Ollie with intense lust in his voice. It was heavy, just like the air around them. “Let go, baby,” he pleaded.

Ollie had no idea the struggle Tristan was really having to hold himself back. He probably would’ve lost himself already if he did. He needed Tristan to love being with him. It was the one thing he could offer Tristan. He didn’t think they could really have a relationship, given the band. Ollie was already playing a dangerous game. He’d have to pretend this never happened all over again, and this time the alcohol wasn’t to blame. He’d confessed how badly he wanted Tris and the other man wasn’t going to forget it anytime soon.

Tristan didn’t stop hitting that spot inside him over and over. Ollie’s hand had stilled on his dick because there was only so much he could take, but he remembered Tristan’s command now. He pumped his throbbing length and arched his back a little, pressing his chest against Tristan’s. Everything was building up so fast and it was only a matter of time. A few more seconds, and Ollie hit his climax. Pleasure exploded within him and he spilled his release between them, coating their skin. His vision whitened and he lost all sense of where he was and who he was. He was riding the biggest high he’d ever known. 

“Fuck.” He groaned when he felt and heard the blonde coming all over them. “Ollie-” It only took him a couple more thrusts to before climaxing himself. His whole body stilled and he dropped himself down on the blonde’s naked body. There was release between them but Tris didn’t care. He barely gave himself time to enjoy the high because he panicked and turned his face towards Ollie’s neck so that he could kiss it. He did so in order to keep Ollie in this high state. He wanted him to enjoy his pleasure and give them more time in this passionate, emotional bubble.

Ollie wished he could’ve felt Tristan’s release filling him up. He could only imagine how good that would feel. He was throbbing, stilling inside him, and this by itself was a sort of heaven. They were still connected somehow, and Tris’ orgasm helped him continue riding his own high. The other man collapsed on top of him and Ollie stroked his hair, breathing heavily and trying to calm down. He hummed at the feeling of Tristan’s lips on his neck. 

Panic was setting in though, gripping his heart. He didn’t know what this meant for them. Tristan would want to talk about it, and Ollie wasn’t ready for that. He desperately wanted to cling to this moment, but he also needed space. He was freaking the fuck out, and it showed in the way he was beginning to breathe rapidly. 

He gave Tristan a push and the man pulled out of him, giving Ollie the space he desired. He was up in a flash, swinging his feet over the edge of the bed. He dropped his head into his hands, feeling tears well up. Fuck. He’d let himself get invested and he gave in to Tristan. It felt better than he’d ever imagined, and now he had to punish himself for it by never allowing himself to feel it again. 

Going down this path with Tristan was dangerous, and Ollie couldn’t lose him or the band. Music saved his fucking life, and without it he was nothing. Without Tristan, he was nothing. “I’m going to take a shower,” he said in a dead flat voice, getting up from the bed. 

“Ollie, wait!” he called out for him and reached out without getting up from the bed. It was his turn to sit on the edge. “You don’t want to talk about it?” He knew that the blonde was currently beating himself up in his head and he wanted them to talk through it as much as they could. He didn’t want a repeat of last time. “You’re upset,” he said, a lump in his throat building.

Ollie had stood up, but he hadn’t really taken a step away from the bed yet. Part of him expected Tristan to protest. The other man reached out for him and Ollie wanted to give in so badly. He could feel it in his bones, this longing for Tris. He wanted to crawl back into bed and cuddle him as they fell asleep. He wanted to feel the warmth and intimacy that had been flowing between them a moment ago. Ollie wasn’t allowed to have any of those things, though. He shouldn’t like Tristan in the first place, and he was already walking a dangerous line fucking with the band by even getting intimate with Tristan in the first place. 

Tris knew him well enough to see that he was upset. He balled his hands into fists at his sides and the feeling of his short nails digging into his palms was grounding. He hadn’t really learned to deal with his emotions in a healthy way. Writing music was the only thing that seemed to work for him, but he couldn’t open himself up to the guys anymore when he was keeping so many secrets. 

“There’s nothing to talk about,” Ollie said in a hard voice. “Nothing happened.” He dismissed what they had between them. He was sore now that he was without the feeling of Tristan’s fullness. It would be a constant reminder of what they’d done and the fact that he’d never connect to someone else like that again in his life. He bit his tongue to hold his emotions down and found his boxers to pull them on. He was sticky with release and he wanted to wash off what happened as though it’d help him forget. 

“So, we’re doing that again, huh?” He nodded, sucking on his teeth. “You’re going to shut me out and ignore this happened. Cool.” He scoffed and reached for a Kleenex to clean up his stomach.

Tristan called him on his shit, but Ollie didn’t let it get to him. He left to take his shower and he lingered just long enough to give Tris time to go to bed. He didn’t want to have to talk to him when he got back to the room. The light was off when he got back in which was a good thing. He was in his boxers, not bothering with a t-shirt because he never slept with one. He wasn’t going to change that just because he was unsure what was happening between him and Tris.

He got into bed, laying down silently. He doubted he’d get much sleep tonight because his mind was too busy. He was worried he’d really fucked up, for good this time. Pushing Tristan away was clearly hurting his friend, and it killed himself inside that he was causing Tris pain. Especially after they shared something so beautiful. However, he couldn’t admit to what he wanted either without putting everything he’d ever worked to have on the line. He was trying to save his friendship somehow, even though he’d have to push Tristan away to keep himself from giving in again.

Tris had turned around in bed and put his blanket over his head. He was curled up in a ball like he always did. “I don’t like when we don’t talk,” he finally spoke up after lowering his blanket from his face.

Ollie really hoped that Tristan wasn’t going to say anything, but he did. His words cut straight to Ollie’s heart. He hated the silence between them too. It felt awkward and unnatural. He didn’t ignore his best friend. They talked about anything and everything. Of course he’d never mentioned that he may not be straight, but Ollie could barely admit that to himself. Secrets aside, he told Tristan everything about his life.

“Me either,” Ollie agreed before he could help himself. The words slipped out. He wanted to tell him that what happened between them meant something. It was special, and he’d never forget it. He wanted it to happen again and again. He wanted to go to bed with Tristan and wake up next to him, forever. He was so in fucking love but he couldn’t say that at all. “I’ll talk to you if you don’t bring it up,” he finally gave in.

“What are you scared of?” he asked him. He, too, wanted to give Ollie an ultimatum to tell him and he’d never bring it up again. “Are you afraid of how it can affect us or is it because of what it might mean about your sexuality?” Tris straight up asked.

Ollie had almost forgotten that Tris knew him so well. He pinpointed what the problem was right away, and Ollie clammed up. He was laying on his back but he turned on his side, facing towards the wall and away from Tristan. “I told you I don’t want to talk about this,” Ollie said firmly. It was an end of conversation kind of statement. He desperately wanted to try talking this out, because just maybe they could reach an answer. Perhaps there was a way for them to be together without it breaking the band apart.

The problem was that Ollie knew the depth of his feelings, and Tristan may just be fucking around with him. Their sex felt very intimate, but that didn’t mean Tristan was suddenly in love with him too. Ollie wouldn’t dare ask. “Talk about anything else,” he implored him. He really, more than anything, wanted Tristan to cuddle him right now. He needed his best friend to hold him close, pepper him with soft kisses and stroke his hair. Ollie curled into a ball just thinking about it, his heart aching.

“Coop dared me to try dipping Doritos in my Frosty today,” he told Ollie. “I was actually fucking delicious. I think we discovered the new fries and ice cream,” he continued being stupid.

It was fucking stupid and random and his saving grace. Ollie let out a chuckle before he could help himself. He snorted and laughed so naturally, like they were joking as they always did. It came as a welcome relief. “That’s fucking disgusting,” Ollie informed him. “You’re fucking crazy.” It felt good to just joke with his best friend. He felt incredibly lonely despite being in the same room with him. At least when he was with a girl for the night, she wrapped herself up in his arms and he had the relief of a warm body against his.

There was no such luck tonight, and he shivered despite his blankets. He always slept under a ton for comfort, no matter how hot it made him. It had been a coping mechanism of his since middle school. He wasn’t sure if he got it from Tris or Tris stole it from him, but their sleepovers always involved a pile of blankets on the bed.

“Tris?” Ollie asked. He licked his lips cautiously, feeling nerves eat him alive. “Do you want to sleep in my bed?”

“Yes,” he said way too fast. 

His heart leaped in his chest when Tristan answered him so quickly. Ollie didn’t want to jump to conclusions about what that meant. Tris had been craving his closeness, in one way or another, since Ollie began pushing him away. That’s all this was. It had nothing to do with the fact that they’d had sex earlier or the ache he still felt from his first time.

Tris slowly sat up in bed and started heading to the other side of the room. “Where do you want me?” he asked quietly.

Ollie was still in the middle but he scooted over closer to the wall when Tristan approached. “Behind me,” he whispered in a half-choked voice. He was worried what being close might do to him. He wanted to turn over and pepper Tristan with kisses. He wanted his lips again and again. He wanted his strong arms around him. He hoped that Tris knew he could cuddle him close. Ollie wasn’t going to fight it tonight. He may put distance between them in the morning, but surely he was allowed one night.

Tristan climbed into bed and got behind him. He took a breath before sliding his arm over Ollie and held him closer against him. Tris turned his head and pressed it against Ollie’s back. His cheek was on his naked skin and he took in a deep breath and exhaled happily. 

Ollie wanted Tris as close as he could have him, but he didn’t want to beg for it. He was already confusing Tristan enough by being so hot and cold, letting him in and shutting him out the next moment. Ollie couldn’t decide what he wanted in the end. Tristan wrapped his arm around Ollie anyway and pulled him in just a little, holding him close against his chest.

It was everything that Ollie needed and his body immediately relaxed, melting into Tristan. He nestled in closer, scooting his body back until he was completely tucked away in Tristan’s arms. He felt Tris’ cheek against his back and smiled at the warmth. For just a moment, he felt happy. He felt like what it might be like to actually have Tristan be his. They could share this anytime they wanted.


End file.
